It has to do with what I've been noticing in Kaitlyn over the last couple of months.
My normally extreme social bug, has been turning into a shy and timid little girl.
I ask myself why and know right away.. why she could be feeling that way in front of anyone who isn't someone she feels she can trust.
When we're out in public, eating out and someone aproaches her to ask her anything.. she will draw her hands up to her face and cover it right away. This has happend at church, I've noticed as well.
She used to semi-like when I would take her photo's, she would always get sick of it (her mama is obsesive with photo's right?! lol) though and just run away. But latley she will burry her face in her hands as soon as she see's any camera or video recorder. It's almost as though she doesn't feel pretty enough to have her photo taken.
This breaks my heart. She used to LOVE mirrors and looking at them, always smiling back with a huge grin at the beautiful little face staring back at her.She would do this, since she was a baby. This has also decreased, but not all together stopped. Sometimes I will still walk in my room, to find Kaity looking into my full length mirror with a smile. I recently tried to get her to skype with her Grandparents, and as I'm sure you all know.. when you skype you can still see yourself in the corner screen.
She would start talking with them, but as soon as she saw herself she would hide behind me. :(
It's really concerned me latley, and I know it has nothing to do with personality changes (like when a child suddenly has Autism or something).. but EVERYTHING to do with self-consciousness. The very term self-consciousness, means - an acute sense of self-awareness. If you dont think a 3 yr old can feel that way, you are very wrong. I know because I see it everyday in my daughter. I love how some people think that because a child is x amount of years, he or she can't possibly understand this or that.. or have feelings like embarressment or
self consciousness. I know they can!
If you put your child down with names or belittle them, they KNOW and it has a very real affect on them.
David and I strive to really be conscious of what we say to our children with our words, or even what we say around them (when it doesn't even involve them). When we talk about Kaitlyn's health issues, weather it be about what route we want to take, to take care of a problem or what we think about different things regarding her problems.. we do it in private, NOT in front of her. We don't want her to see the fear and saddness that often is written all over our faces, when we talk about such things. We dont' want her to feel bad or even scared about some of the things we'll talk about. She's older now, and VERY, VERY aware of what's going on in her life.
She knows when she's being talked about and she'll def. respond to that. When she has a casting or surgery coming up, I will gently ease her into the fact that it is going to happen. I let her know, I wouldn't ever let her be in the dark about things. She's far to old for that now. She's only 3, but understands so much.
Children soak up words like little sponges, I think we all know that.
What am I getting at?
Well, there has been plenty of times when someone will talk about Kaitlyn's health issues in front of her.
They'll ask "how she's doing" or " how did this apt go?" and that's really ok. That's showing care and concern for Kaitlyn and I really appreciate that. Don't get me wrong.
But what is really not ok, is when someone notices something about Kaitlyn and will flat out say something about it, while in front of her. Like "Oh did you notice she's doing that?" or "did you notice this or that"... or just share what they feel is wrong and what can be done for her. Yes, I know that most people genuinely care and that's all their really getting at. I can appreciate that. But, I get a little upset when someone will say it in front of her.. like she's not even there. I think they just don't think she hears.. or understands that their talking about her.
Oh she's just 3 and won't get what we're talking about, she's not paying attention. YES, I can assure you.. she IS listening.. and if you'll take the time to notice.. if you stopped and looked at HER..
you would either find her hiding or covering her face ...and this has happend.. flat out give you one NASTY look! haha..
If you want to say anything like this regarding my daughter.. then please have the heart.. and say it to me while not her company.
I am more than willing to share Kaitlyn's journey.. hey, that's why your even reading this blog. I want to share her story and hopefully educate people and HELP someone else in return.
Things like that, and what she's gone through the last three years has turned her to be very self-consciousness about herself. Kaitlyn is so out-going and for the most part very social with people.. but as she gets older and is becoming more and more aware of what she's gone/going through.. she won't just open up to anyone anymore.
She has to trust you and feel that you really love her for who SHE is. There arn't many people who she really opens up with, I can probably count on my hand those people who she lets see the REAL Kaity.. that I know.
The VERY talkitive and lively little gal. She won't just start talking to you.. and sometimes this works against her.. bc it seems like to most people that she doesn't talk...so why talk to her? Well, I can assure you she TALKS and TALKS at home.. non stop. But, Kaitlyn knows who really loves and accepts her, and once she realizes that about a person.. your IN (sorta speak) and she'll talk your ear off! haha
Wearing all these casts and having these surgeries have made her feel "different" and very shy about herself.
What child wouldn't feel that way? I strive everyday to build her up, let her know how special and wondeful she is. Tell her that she's beautiful in every way. I hope that it works, I hate to see her feel different.
Because she's no different than any other little 3 yr old girl, YES.. she has gone through more than most adults will have to go through in their lives. But she does everything any other 3 yr old does. Sings, plays, laughs, dances, runs, climbs, jumps.. shows such love and empathy to others around her. She's so funny and smart :)
Everyone goes through self-consciousness, I just wish I didn't have to see my 3 yr old feel that way for one min.
Yeah, this may seem to be a rant... but this is my heart right now.
I just want her to feel loved and accepted for who SHE is and not for who someone thinks she should be.
I know once her cast is put back on, it will make her feel all the more self-conscious. She starts school for the first time in the fall, and naturally I am thinking about how she'll feel with her cast on around the other kids. I hope she'll be ok, and I hope the kids treat her good. They will all be 3yr olds, and probably won't notice as much as older kids.. and that makes me feel better :) I know Kaity will be a shining star in school over-all and have lots of friends. She's to loving not to! she's SO excited for school to start, she talks about school alot!
She picked out clothes and shoes and her very first back pack! sooo sweet. :) my baby is growing up! SO
I love my girl! and want nothing but love for her.. and for her to know how beautiful, smart, and funny she is! :)